Valentine’s Day. A day that is hyped up as the ultimate validation of love, filled with over-the-top romantic gestures and an unspoken expectation that love should feel perfect and effortless. There are expectations that it will be like those sappy rom coms where there’s certainty and love at first sight. What happens when your brain keeps whispering doubts? What if instead of butterflies, you feel anxiety, or guilt, or shame, or fear? Relationship OCD (ROCD) is where love and doubt go hand in hand.
Love Through a Distorted Lens
ROCD is a subtype of OCD where there are intrusive, unwanted and doubts and fears around relationships. For this blog, we will focus on romantic relationships, but know that ROCD can impact social relationships as well as family relationships too. ROCD can turn love and romance into an exhausting mental puzzle. Some intrusive thoughts that tend to be common with ROCD include:
- “What if I don’t love my partner enough?”
- “Would I be happier with someone else?”
- “Is this feeling real or am I just forcing it?”
- “What if I’m in the wrong relationship?”
Just like other subtypes of OCD, ROCD shows up as relentless doubts and a never-ending quest for certainty. The harder you try to find an answer, the deeper into the spiral you go. This often leads to the fears being reinforced. Let’s break it down, if you are constantly trying to find certainty that you love your partner enough, that things feel right, or that your partner is the right person for you, there will likely be tension or disconnect in the relationship. That tension will just reinforce the doubt and fuel the fears that maybe the relationship or your partner isn’t right.
Why Valentine’s Day Feeds ROCD
Valentine’s Day amplifies relationship expectations and often leads to pressure to feel all in and experience movie-worthy romance. Take a moment to think about the type of media you are exposed to around Valentine’s Day. There’s imagery of couples looking hopelessly in love, advertisements for engagement rings and jewelry to profess your love, and targeted ads for products, date nights, etc. All of these experiences can be intense triggers for someone with ROCD. They can lead to anxiety, overanalyzing, comparing and seeking reassurance. Individuals with ROCD might find themselves stuck in a cycle of asking their partners for reassurance, mentally reviewing every interaction, wondering if they’re truly in love or avoid dating altogether.
Shifting the Narrative. Love as a Choice, Not a Feeling
The reality of the situation is that love isn’t about certainty. It’s about commitment, values and showing up even when your brain might be screaming doubts. Here are some tips for shifting perspectives this Valentine’s Day:
- Let go of the “Perfect Feeling”. OCD will tell you that love needs to be a constant state of euphoria and living according to that expectation will set relationships up for failure. Lean in and let go of chasing that perfect feeling. Love is a mix of comfort, growth and even discomfort. Doubt doesn’t have to mean doom.
- Accept uncertainty as part of love. Instead of fighting doubts and engaging in the quest for certainty, practice sitting with them. Build up your tolerance and resilience for uncertainty and discomfort by delaying, reducing or resisting compulsions. Show yourself through your actions that you don’t need to have 100% certainty to have a meaningful relationship.
- Lean into values-based actions. Instead of trying to feel in love, focus on how you want to act in love. What small ways can you show care and live in alignment with your values in your relationship despite intrusive thoughts?
- Challenge reassurance-seeking. Whenever you catch yourself in the act of seeking certainty (whether by Googling, comparing, or asking your partner again if they love you, if the relationship is right, etc) and choose to step away or delay the act.
- Consider ERP therapy. If your symptoms are impacting you day-to-day and challenging to live with, Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) is a game-changer for ROCD. A trained therapist can help you break free from the OCD cycle and embrace a healthier way of experiencing relationships. For more information on ERP, check out our blog post.
A Different Kind of Valentine’s Day
This year, instead of striving for an Instagram-worthy romance, let’s aim for an authentic one. Love isn’t about certainty. It’s about choosing to stay, even in the face of doubt. The real magic happens not in proving love, but in living it.
If you want to learn more about ROCD, check out this article by the IOCDF.