When a family member or close friend struggles with OCD, it’s natural to want to help ease their anxiety. Watching them struggle with intrusive thoughts and compulsions and seeing them in distress is often incredibly hard. It’s common for family members to get drawn into their loved one’s compulsions as a way to help provide relief and breaking this pattern can be challenging for family members. Even though providing that instant relief is intuitive, learning to avoid giving reassurance and resisting accommodations can be a powerful step in your loved one’s recovery.

Here, we’ll break down why reassurance and accommodations often end up fueling OCD and how you can support your loved ones without giving in to those urges.

What Are Family Accommodations in OCD?

Family accommodation refers to any actions taken by loved ones to help reduce the immediate distress caused by OCD. This might include things like:

• Repeating specific phrases or reassurances
• Participating in compulsions (like excessive hand-washing or door-checking)
• Avoiding certain words, places, or people that trigger anxiety
• Rearranging daily schedules or plans to accommodate the person’s OCD needs
• Doing things for the person that would normally make them feel distressed

While these actions come from a place of love and caring, they actually reinforce the OCD cycle. The brain learns that these accommodations temporarily ease anxiety, reinforcing the need for compulsions.

Why Reassurance Can Backfire

One of the most common forms of family accommodation is reassurance. If someone has intrusive thoughts about harm for instance, they might ask repeatedly, “Did I lock the door?” or “Do you think I could hurt someone?” Reassurance might seem harmless at first, but it’s a subtle form of compulsion. Over time, it teaches the brain to rely on external validation to feel safe, rather than building resilience and tolerance of distress.

When you reassure, you’re essentially telling their OCD that it’s right to worry. This can make your loved one’s anxiety feel more real and intense, which reinforces the need for further compulsions. Breaking this cycle means helping them sit with the discomfort without immediately seeking relief.

Tips for Support Without Reassurance or Accommodation

1. Set Clear Boundaries
   Decide on specific things you will no longer participate in, like answering certain reassurance questions or engaging in rituals. Let your loved one know that you’re setting these boundaries to help with their recovery. Boundaries aren’t about being harsh or distant; they’re about encouraging independence and resilience.
2. Use Supportive Language
   When your loved one asks for reassurance, try responding with, “I know this feels hard, and I believe in your ability to handle it.” This reinforces their strength rather than feeding their anxiety.
3. Practice Empathy
   Acknowledge that resisting reassurance is challenging. You might say, “I know this is uncomfortable right now, but sitting with this feeling is part of what will help in the long run.” Empathy validates their struggle while encouraging growth.
4. Provide Positive Reinforcement
   When they resist a compulsion or tolerate discomfort, celebrate that progress! Let them know you’re proud of the hard work they’re putting in.

Gradual Reduction

Supporting without accommodating can feel uncomfortable at first, for both you and your loved one. If they’re not ready to fully let go of reassurance, it’s okay to work up to it gradually. You can start by reducing accommodations step-by-step rather than stopping them all at once. For example, you could give out a certain number of reassurance questions per day you’ll answer (example 5), or answer reassurance questions only once per trigger, and reduce from there. With consistency, these small steps add up.

You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

If you’re finding it tough to navigate boundaries and balance your support, remember you don’t have to do it alone. Family therapy or support groups can be a wonderful resource for learning effective ways to support a loved one with OCD. Therapists trained in OCD and ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention) can also provide guidance on how to stop reassurance and break out of the accommodation cycle.

Remember

Supporting your loved one with OCD while resisting the urge to accommodate or reassure can be one of the best ways you can help in their recovery. It’s not easy, but taking small, consistent steps toward reducing accommodations can empower them to confront OCD rather than avoid it. This compassionate approach can be challenging, but over time it enables them to build confidence, resilience, and trust in themselves.

Above all, remind yourself that supporting someone with OCD is a journey for both of you. Your love and commitment to understanding OCD and taking action to help without enabling, speaks volumes. You’re part of their healing process, and with patience and dedication, you’re helping them on the path to reclaiming their life from OCD.